documenting my every single thought on grad school
Right now, I find myself in my bed, listening to the works of Matchbox Twenty’s "3AM", as I attempt to distill my thoughts about the prospect of grad school, which I'm eager to share with all of you. I am hoping that some of you can relate to my journey, and also because I believe it will be a cathartic experience for me. A win-win, right?
Over the past year or so, I've been grappling with the decision of whether to apply for grad school to pursue my master's degree in Communication. I know the typical response is, "Just do it! What's the harm?" That's precisely why I'm writing this piece – to capture the complex thought process I've been undergoing, as there's quite a bit of chaos up there.
Initially, the idea of grad school never crossed my mind because it seemed unattainable for someone like me. It is crazy expensive and normally people who go have a well-defined path that they want to take. Plus, they don't really teach you in school the benefits of having a master's degree, aside from maybe opening up more job opportunities. But what jobs, exactly? Anyway, I'm someone who genuinely does enjoy being in an educational setting, so grad school could be a good fit for me. However, as we all know here in America, college is expensive! And to make it worse, I already have a ton of student debt! Also no offense to those with a master's in a liberal arts field, I can't help but worry that the return on investment for getting a master's degree might not be worth it. I'm left with the hope that Joe Biden follows through on at least one campaign promise and cancels student debt, but the odds seem slim at this point.
Apart from the financial aspect, there's the task of reaching out to multiple professors for letters of recommendation. This may not be a big deal for most, but for those of us with an intense fear of rejection, it's pretty daunting. I understand that professors are typically willing to assist, and mine even expressed their willingness to write me a recommendation letter. But what if they changed their minds? What if they never really liked me and were just being polite until I graduated? To make matters more complicated, I'm no longer in San Diego, so I can't discuss this with them in person. And before I even send those emails, I have to complete my grad school resume so they know that I am actually capable of some things.
The challenge also lies in finding the time to work on applications. As of now, all I've managed to do is to create an account. I work from 8 am to 5 pm, then I am stuck in the hell that is traffic until 6:20 pm, and the last thing I want to do at that point is more work. On the weekends I am even less likely to do any work. I know, I know – I sound over dramatic and there are much worse things I could be struggling with, and I should just buckle down and get it done. But it's genuinely challenging and unfortunately I'm quite the procrastinator. But being an adult and having to figure out your future is scary! And I am not a fan!
I don't want to regret not going to grad school, and I don’t want to delay it for so long that I never end up going. Then I think about how the planet is going to go up into a ball of flames in 20 years so what’s the point of getting a masters? On the other hand, why not? My student debt would be going up in smoke along with the planet! It's a complex decision, and I happen to be an irrational overthinker. Anyway if I had to give any advice as someone who is in the purgatory that is ‘to grad school or not to grad school’ I would say to do it because if it is something you want and will make you happy, go for it! It wouldn’t hurt to take my own advice. If there is any takeaway at all from this if you’re not me, just know you aren’t alone in being a major overthinker or try hard. It is easy to say that nothing matters because the end is inevitable and mistakes are bound to happen. But as someone who cares about most things just a little too deeply and thinks that pretty much everything does in fact, matter; I like to be thorough about every single little decision I make and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, sue me! To conclude, my unsolicited advice for anyone out there who is thinking about applying to grad school (me), just do it and conquer that irrational and excessive fear of rejection. Thank you for accompanying me as I word vomited all of my thoughts on grad school, and do yourself a favor and stream 3AM! Anyway I will probably do it because above all is my fear of regret that will drive me to apply.
by
Skylar Vinson
NOV 2023
